So what can you do about it?  Here are some ideas to help you honor Father’s Day in a personally meaningful and healing way.  First of all, the only way I know to heal is to be honest with yourself about you are experiencing.  Your mantra can be, “You gotta feel to heal so keep it real.”  Pretending you’re feeling something that you’re not, like joy rather than sorrow, is self defeating.  From a mindfulness perspective, noticing what you are really feeling and experiencing is the first key to healthful living.  This is how it works: Acknowledge your feelings.  Make them welcome.  Chances are you wouldn’t slam the door on a friend in need, right?  No, of course not.  You’d let them in.  You’d give them a big hug and say, “What’s wrong?  How can I help?”  Well, be as nice to yourself!  Keep the door open to your own heart and the range of emotions it expresses.  There is something magical about welcoming yourself as you are.  You feel loved.  You feel accepted.  And then something can change.  Something can shift.  Try it this Father’s Day (and every day)!  See what happens.

   Secondly, rituals can be very helpful.  The very first definition of the word “celebrate” in Webster’s New World Dictionary is “to perform (a ritual, ceremony, etc.) publically and formally; solemnize.”  It doesn’t speak to joy until definition #4!  Creating your own ritual honoring your missing dad and you missing your dad can be a meaningful healing step.  People like you are so creative, so I know you’ll come up with just the right ritual for you.  And here are some possibilities to get your creativity flowing. 

   If your dad died and he’s buried nearby, you can go to his grave.  If he was cremated, you can go where the ashes were spread.  Wherever you are you can talk to him and update him on your life and the lives of your family members.  I’m sure he’d want to know.  At your evening meal you can make a toast to his memory.  You can tell your favorite story about him to family or friends.  You can make a luminaria (a paper lunch sized bag filled half way with sand with a votive candle placed inside).  Why a luminaria?  Because it’s a symbol of hope.  If children are missing their dad—a luminaria is a perfect expression of their love and loss.  They can write their dad’s name on the bag and draw pictures.  They can really personalize it.  When the design process is complete, place the luminaria in front of your house (outside) or place it in your fireplace.  To explore luminarias in more depth and to help children heal from loss read Angelina’s Prayer together as a family.  It’s a story I wrote about a young girl who makes luminarias in the hopes that her MIA dad will come back home. 

   Another helpful ritual is letter writing.  If your dad is alive, you’re not going to actually send the letter to him, so you are free to write whatever you want.  This method is especially helpful if you feel anger or betrayal or other intense emotions that feel difficult to express safely out loud.  But through the perfect privacy of letter writing you can express your emotions in complete safety on the receptive page.  When you’re done writing, if you have a place where you can safely burn the letter (such as in a working fireplace or a barbecue pit) the act of burning the letter can be very healing.  You are literally transforming the emotions and releasing the pain and suffering you feel into the loving hands of the universe. 

   If you cannot safely burn the letter, there’s a wonderful alternative.  Get an empty plant pot and potting soil.  Make a cutting from your favorite house plant, or if you prefer, buy a new plant.  Put some soil in the pot.  Then tear up your letter into as tiny pieces as possible.  Put the shredded shards of letter into the pot.  Add more soil.  Add the plant cutting or plant.  Add more soil.  Water the newly potted plant.  Put your plant in a place where it gets the sunlight (or shade) it needs.  Tend to this plant.  The letter has now become compost for the plant.  It will over time become nutrients for the soil and vitamins for the plant.  So what you thought was “bad” or “difficult” is transforming into sustenance for life.  It is nourishing the plant and healing you.

   Whatever approach you choose, please act on the one(s) that will help you make it a genuinely “Happy Father’s Day.”

   Please share your comments below.

   Earth Day first began in 1970 when Earth Day founder Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, spearheaded the event, after witnessing the ravages of a 1969 massive oil spill in Santa Barbara, California.  His efforts initiated a movement, which now 45 years later, is still going strong.  Livescience.com (http://www.livescience.com/50556-earth-day-facts-history.html) offers these great resources for more information and ways to help our planet Earth:

• Earth Day Network provides information on how to take action and become involved in environmental programs.
• The United Nations declared April 22 as International Mother Earth Day and lists Earth Day events worldwide.

    

   World Book Night celebrates reading and books on April 23rd of each year.  As described on their web site, http://www.worldbooknight.org/, “Passionate volunteers give out hundreds of thousands of books in their communities to share their love of reading with people who don’t read regularly or own books.  It’s run by The Reading Agency, a national charity that inspires people to become confident and enthusiastic readers to help give them an equal chance in life.” 

   As a writer and avid reader, I hope you will join me in celebrating this event by giving away a book to someone in need, or sorting through your bookshelves and donating your no-longer needed books to people or organizations who can benefit from your gift, or simply sharing a book you love with a friend. 

   To people like us books are precious.  Personally, they give me comfort, like a trusted friend.  What are some of your most treasured books?  How have they impacted your life?  Share those books with another and trust that their life will expand exponentially as a result of your generosity.

   Lastly, National Dance Week celebrates, you guessed it, dance!  As a board certified dance-movement therapist (yes, that’s one of my professional identities and offerings), I believe that dance and movement are at the core of living and life.  After all, our bodies were born to move.  You were created from the dance of egg and sperm and have ever since continued to develop and grow in a constant dance of life within you and all around you.  

   Dance is expressive of any and all emotions.  And it is often associated with celebrating.  I agree.  It’s celebrating our aliveness – that no matter what we are experiencing, it’s something worth dancing about.  So join me in dancing this week!  For more information about dance week you can go to: http://www.nationaldanceweek.org/  Or, do a web search for “dance week, your city, state” and learn about the local opportunities for you to get out and dance for free and to get free.
If you live in the San Francisco Bay area, check out: http://bayareandw.org/ for a listing of over 500 free dance classes, performances and events happening between 4/24-5/3. 

   So, whether you’re celebrating the Earth, books, or your body in motion, here’s to the preciousness of your life and all of life!

   Astrophysicist Neal de Grasse Tyson, the director of the Hayden Planetarium, was quoted in an article by Chris Wright in the March 2015 Hemispheres Magazine, as saying, “There are certain ideas about the universe that affect people in profound ways—for example, the discovery that the atoms of your body are traceable to the actions of stars that exploded those atoms into the galaxy, out of which our solar system was formed. This fact tells us that not only do we live in the universe, the universe lives within us.” You may already well know this, but a reminder is always good.  In the course of our daily lives and hassles, we can easily forget. 

   One of my favorite plays during my college days, The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds by Paul Zindel, opens with the main character, teen-aged Tillie saying, “He told me to look at my hand for a part of it came from a star that exploded too long ago to imagine.  This part of me was formed from a tongue of fire that screamed through the heavens until there was our sun.  And this part of me—this tiny part of me—was on the sun when it itself exploded and whirled in a great storm until the planets came to be.” 

   So whether it’s astronomy or theatre, or counseling and writing, the message is ultimately the same: the wonder of the universe is awesome, the dance of the universe within our bodies is amazing, and the gifts we each bring to life, whether it’s a gift of artistic expression, a gift of listening, a gift of awakening others, a gift of loving another, is precious.  

   My birthday wish for you is that the seeds you plant this season will blossom to their fullest and most nourishing fruition for you and those your life touches.

   As spring emerges, what seeds of new life do you want to plant and grow and contribute to our ever-evolving universe?  Please share them in the comments section below.

   So what does “doing nothing” look like to you?  My idea of doing nothing is resting, meditating, walking in nature where I can soak up the sun’s warmth or feel the rain on my face, or fill up my heart with the ebb and flow of the ocean.  It’s reading great books that carry me off to other worlds and move me or nourish my mind with new perspectives and insights.  It’s being with people I love and swapping stories, laughing, or sitting quietly, shoulders touching. 

   What nourishes you?  What fills up your “gas tank?”  Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself and those you love to do it.  Whether you’re a mother, a therapist, an artist, a writer, a student, a human being, you need to take time for you so you can be there for those you care about and those you serve. 

   As a writer and a therapist, I need to do nothing to allow my creative juices to replenish, percolate, and reproduce.  A long time ago I had a dream that my printer was so overtaxed it bellowed smoke.  I interpreted it to mean I was working too hard and too much.  The printer – the writer and creative spirit in me – was overdoing it and I was burning out.  I offer that as a cautionary tale.  So in closing today, I offer you a challenge: take time to do nothing.

   What is your idea of “doing nothing?”  What nourishes your creative spirit?  Please share your comments below.

   So here are some thoughts on how to stay focused in an attention grabbing universe – on line or off.  First, set your priorities.  Knowing what you want to focus on is critical.  Then, do that task or project first.  Begin your major task of the day before you consciously or unconsciously invite distractions your way.  This optimizes the likelihood that you’ll accomplish your most important task and tend to it with concentrated effort.  
   Second, set a specific time of day when you’ll do things like check e-mail, listen to phone messages, and read your snail mail.  Third, set a time limit for how long you’ll read e-mails and how long you’ll allow yourself to wander the net.  Set your alarm or schedule alerts so you know when to stop.  And fourth – stop when the alarm or alert sounds.  No cheating.  
   Time is one of the basic foundations of our lives.  Existentially speaking, we never know how much of it we’ve got left, so focus on what matters most – your priorities.  
   Please share your thoughts and comments below.  What helps you stay focused in a distracting world?

   So let’s put our heads together and brainstorm how to respond to these predictable situations.  If you know your friends are not weight or health conscious, do you really want to share meals with them?  Be honest with yourself.  Committing to your goals can mean making major changes in your life including being around people who will truly support your healthy choices.  If you want to continue eating out with your ice cream eating friends, can you commit to ordering a fruit cup for dessert?  Will you feel satisfied?  Or will you recapitulate by eating some high caloric sinful food when you get home?  So think it through and decide if eating with those people is really supporting you in attaining and sticking with your goal. 

   If you’re part of a family, your healthy eating plan is only going to work successfully if the whole family eats healthy foods.  It’s really a strain on your will power to have enticing treats around the house for everyone else but you.  Sure, you can invest in those food safes we’ve all seen marketed on Shark Tank, but wouldn’t it be easier and cheaper to not bring the crappy, seductive foods into the house in the first place?  So the point is, plan for what can go “wrong,” or lead you astray, and be pro-active in preventing the situation from happening in the first place.  Then know what your plan of action will be if your predicted scenario does happen.  Just like you have an emergency exit strategy in the event of a fire, you want to have an equivalent strategy in place to cope with foreseeable difficulties that will sabotage your goals.

   Now of course you can’t foresee everything, so when surprise obstacles come to pass, what are your strategies then?  Here are a couple of clues.  What gives you strength?  What gives you genuine, lasting comfort?  Is it reaching out to friends?  Is it contacting a buddy who can help you keep to your commitment and hold you accountable?  Is it seeking the guidance of a trusted professional coach?  Is it nurturing yourself by taking a walk in the sunshine, savoring a hot cup of tea, or curling up with a great book?  Is it re-reading your goal (that you wrote down and carry around in your purse or wallet and also posted on the bathroom mirror), and reminding yourself of your commitment to yourself?  Is it re-connecting with your core heart’s desire – the one that’s motivating your new behavior and actions?  Is it expressing your feelings of frustration through journal writing or creative expression?  Is it remembering how far you’ve come and how well you’ve dealt with previous obstacles?  And celebrating those mini-successes? 

   Whatever strategy works for you, use it over and over.  That way you’ll create new grooves in your neuronal pathways that will become stronger each time you move through a new obstacle.  And it will get easier to stay on your true path with each new obstacle.  You might even begin to appreciate the obstacles because you’ll have become so adept that you realize each obstacle is making you stronger and more resilient and getting you that much closer to your desired goal.

   Please share your comments below.  I’d love to hear what obstacles you can foresee and your plan for handling them.  And please share your strategies for handling unexpected obstacles.

   Until next time, to your success!

   The first rule of thumb with resolutions or goals is to get quiet internally and tune into your heart.  What is your heart’s desire?  What’s your mission?  What do you really want to accomplish in your life over the course of this year?  Once you’ve established your goal, write it down.  Let’s say your goal is to lose 30 pounds this year.  Great!  Then ask yourself, why do you want to lose the weight?  What’s underneath that desire?  Is it that you want to look fantastic?  Is it that you want to attract a mate?  Is it that you want to feel energetic?  Or that you need to control your diabetes?  Understanding what’s really at the core of your goal is the key to achieving it.  So reframe your resolution or goal by stating the real purpose you have in mind and write that down. 

   Next, be sure you’ve phrased your resolution or goal so that it’s a positive statement.  Losing weight is really a negative statement.  Here’s why: while the intention behind the statement to lose weight is meant to be positive, the reality is we don’t like losing things.  That makes us feel like, well, losers.  But what we really like is to gain things.  We like finding things.  We’re built to take action towards things, rather than to battle against something.  So that’s why it’s so important to understand what’s at the core of your goal, what’s the real desire, and stating it in a positive way.  Because then you’re motivated and inspired to take action.  And taking action is the only way you will achieve your goals and resolutions.  And you need to connect to that motivation and inspiration because along the way to achieving your goal you can be assured that things will get tough and there will be obstacles to overcome.  It’s the connection to your source of inspiration – your true desire – that will keep you going when things get tough. 

   We’ll continue our conversation about goals and achieving success next time, so stayed tuned.  And in the meantime, please enjoy this podcast about New Year’s resolutions from Super Talk Radio Mississippi when I was interviewed by Kipp Gregory of the JT Show. 

   Wishing you a Happy New Year!  Please share your thoughts and comments about New Year’s “resolutions” and your special goals for 2015.

 “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt

   Then I cleaned my house.  Cleaning under these circumstances always helps me feel better.  It’s physical, mood shifting, metaphoric and pragmatic, helping me to get rid of what’s no longer needed and creating a neat and orderly environment for me to spring into forward motion.  Then, miraculously I received an email with unexpected positive feedback.  After thanking that individual for her kind words, I wrote thank you notes to people who have been helpful to me throughout the year, re-focusing my attention on gratitude.  And then I got busy with my continual and on-going daily work tasks.  Because whether or not the feedback I receive is critical or positive, life goes on.  And in the greater scheme of things, nothing in my life had significantly changed.  No one died.  I didn’t contract a fatal illness.  I will continue to do the work that I know is my soul’s calling.  I’ll use the criticism as fuel to enhance possible weaknesses.  I’ll forge ahead with my daily work and spiritual practices.  And I’ll continue using my words to heal and help.

   How have you coped with criticism?  Please share your comments and feedback below.