Father’s Day conjures up images of gift giving, sending cards, and outings just for Dad.  But did you know that (according to the U.S. Census Department) 33% of U.S. children live without their father?  And according to the October 2014 Prison Fellowship report, 2.7 million children have a parent in prison (and most of these parents are fathers).  And then there are military families.  “More than two million children in the U.S. have had a parent deploy to Afghanistan or Iraq,” reports David Murphey writing for Child Trends.  And, according to the Centers for Disease Control, of the three leading causes of death (heart disease, cancer, and accidents), 1 in 8 men over 40 die of a sudden heart attack, 1  in 4 men die of cancer, and more men than women die in accidents (car and other).  In 2013 alone 1,306,324 males died.  Let’s estimate that a third were fathers.  That’s a lot of dads.

   In my counseling practice, women and men often express that even though their dad was physically present he was emotionally unavailable.  And they’re missing him to this very day.  Some people might dismiss Father’s Day as a mere Hallmark card event.  But the reality is that it’s an American cultural holiday that affects you if you’re dad’s missing or you’re missing your dad.

   So what can you do about it?  Here are some ideas to help you honor Father’s Day in a personally meaningful and healing way.  First of all, the only way I know to heal is to be honest with yourself about you are experiencing.  Your mantra can be, “You gotta feel to heal so keep it real.”  Pretending you’re feeling something that you’re not, like joy rather than sorrow, is self defeating.  From a mindfulness perspective, noticing what you are really feeling and experiencing is the first key to healthful living.  This is how it works: Acknowledge your feelings.  Make them welcome.  Chances are you wouldn’t slam the door on a friend in need, right?  No, of course not.  You’d let them in.  You’d give them a big hug and say, “What’s wrong?  How can I help?”  Well, be as nice to yourself!  Keep the door open to your own heart and the range of emotions it expresses.  There is something magical about welcoming yourself as you are.  You feel loved.  You feel accepted.  And then something can change.  Something can shift.  Try it this Father’s Day (and every day)!  See what happens.

   Secondly, rituals can be very helpful.  The very first definition of the word “celebrate” in Webster’s New World Dictionary is “to perform (a ritual, ceremony, etc.) publically and formally; solemnize.”  It doesn’t speak to joy until definition #4!  Creating your own ritual honoring your missing dad and you missing your dad can be a meaningful healing step.  People like you are so creative, so I know you’ll come up with just the right ritual for you.  And here are some possibilities to get your creativity flowing. 

   If your dad died and he’s buried nearby, you can go to his grave.  If he was cremated, you can go where the ashes were spread.  Wherever you are you can talk to him and update him on your life and the lives of your family members.  I’m sure he’d want to know.  At your evening meal you can make a toast to his memory.  You can tell your favorite story about him to family or friends.  You can make a luminaria (a paper lunch sized bag filled half way with sand with a votive candle placed inside).  Why a luminaria?  Because it’s a symbol of hope.  If children are missing their dad—a luminaria is a perfect expression of their love and loss.  They can write their dad’s name on the bag and draw pictures.  They can really personalize it.  When the design process is complete, place the luminaria in front of your house (outside) or place it in your fireplace.  To explore luminarias in more depth and to help children heal from loss read Angelina’s Prayer together as a family.  It’s a story I wrote about a young girl who makes luminarias in the hopes that her MIA dad will come back home. 

   Another helpful ritual is letter writing.  If your dad is alive, you’re not going to actually send the letter to him, so you are free to write whatever you want.  This method is especially helpful if you feel anger or betrayal or other intense emotions that feel difficult to express safely out loud.  But through the perfect privacy of letter writing you can express your emotions in complete safety on the receptive page.  When you’re done writing, if you have a place where you can safely burn the letter (such as in a working fireplace or a barbecue pit) the act of burning the letter can be very healing.  You are literally transforming the emotions and releasing the pain and suffering you feel into the loving hands of the universe. 

   If you cannot safely burn the letter, there’s a wonderful alternative.  Get an empty plant pot and potting soil.  Make a cutting from your favorite house plant, or if you prefer, buy a new plant.  Put some soil in the pot.  Then tear up your letter into as tiny pieces as possible.  Put the shredded shards of letter into the pot.  Add more soil.  Add the plant cutting or plant.  Add more soil.  Water the newly potted plant.  Put your plant in a place where it gets the sunlight (or shade) it needs.  Tend to this plant.  The letter has now become compost for the plant.  It will over time become nutrients for the soil and vitamins for the plant.  So what you thought was “bad” or “difficult” is transforming into sustenance for life.  It is nourishing the plant and healing you.

   Whatever approach you choose, please act on the one(s) that will help you make it a genuinely “Happy Father’s Day.”

   Please share your comments below.

   Do you know a budding youth artist or illustrator?  With summer fast approaching the children in your world are always looking for fun things to do!  Well here's the perfect activity.  Please encourage the children (ages 7-11) in your family, at your camp, school, library, synagogue, church, neighborhood--wherever you connect with them--to enter the Angelina's Prayer Summer 2015 Cover Illustration Contest!
  
 Here's the gist:

• Open to all kids ages 7-11
• Entrants will first draw and then send a photo of their original cover art for the book Angelina's Prayer
• The winner will be awarded a $25 Amazon Gift Certificate!
• All the entries will be featured on the Counseling4theSoul website and in a You Tube video. 
• The complete details are available here!

   
   So, whether you are a child's parent, grandparent, teacher, counselor, chaplain, librarian, neighbor, child care advocate, or friend, please invite "your kids" to enter the contest.  The deadline is August 16th but don't procrastinate!  Act now.  Encourage your kids to be a book illustrator for a day!  Tell them to enter The Angelina's Prayer Summer 2015 Cover Illustration Contest today!
(#Angelina's Prayer Summer 2015 Cover Art Contest)

   Here are the complete contest details.  And for those of you new to the book here's information about Angelina's Prayer. 

   Please share this news with your friends and colleagues through Facebook, Twitter, Google + and whatever other social media you use.

   Thank you!  

   Until next time, wishing you a fun-filled summer!

   This week there’s a convergence of major events.  One is well known but possibly forgotten.  Two are lesser known and possibly even unknown.  So what are they?  Today April 22nd is Earth Day.  Tomorrow, Thursday April 23rd is World Book Night.  And Friday April 24th begins National Dance Week, which runs for 10 days (a super-extended week!) through May 3rd.  

   Earth Day first began in 1970 when Earth Day founder Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, spearheaded the event, after witnessing the ravages of a 1969 massive oil spill in Santa Barbara, California.  His efforts initiated a movement, which now 45 years later, is still going strong.  Livescience.com (http://www.livescience.com/50556-earth-day-facts-history.html) offers these great resources for more information and ways to help our planet Earth:

• Earth Day Network provides information on how to take action and become involved in environmental programs.
• The United Nations declared April 22 as International Mother Earth Day and lists Earth Day events worldwide.

    

   World Book Night celebrates reading and books on April 23rd of each year.  As described on their web site, http://www.worldbooknight.org/, “Passionate volunteers give out hundreds of thousands of books in their communities to share their love of reading with people who don’t read regularly or own books.  It’s run by The Reading Agency, a national charity that inspires people to become confident and enthusiastic readers to help give them an equal chance in life.” 

   As a writer and avid reader, I hope you will join me in celebrating this event by giving away a book to someone in need, or sorting through your bookshelves and donating your no-longer needed books to people or organizations who can benefit from your gift, or simply sharing a book you love with a friend. 

   To people like us books are precious.  Personally, they give me comfort, like a trusted friend.  What are some of your most treasured books?  How have they impacted your life?  Share those books with another and trust that their life will expand exponentially as a result of your generosity.

   Lastly, National Dance Week celebrates, you guessed it, dance!  As a board certified dance-movement therapist (yes, that’s one of my professional identities and offerings), I believe that dance and movement are at the core of living and life.  After all, our bodies were born to move.  You were created from the dance of egg and sperm and have ever since continued to develop and grow in a constant dance of life within you and all around you.  

   Dance is expressive of any and all emotions.  And it is often associated with celebrating.  I agree.  It’s celebrating our aliveness – that no matter what we are experiencing, it’s something worth dancing about.  So join me in dancing this week!  For more information about dance week you can go to: http://www.nationaldanceweek.org/  Or, do a web search for “dance week, your city, state” and learn about the local opportunities for you to get out and dance for free and to get free.
If you live in the San Francisco Bay area, check out: http://bayareandw.org/ for a listing of over 500 free dance classes, performances and events happening between 4/24-5/3. 

   So, whether you’re celebrating the Earth, books, or your body in motion, here’s to the preciousness of your life and all of life!

   Spring begins today!  It’s the moment in time when the forces of light and dark are strategically balanced.  It sounds like the recipe for an intergalactic science fiction novel. . .  Yet it’s totally real that as the power of the light intensifies with the spring season we think of planting new seeds for our lives.  March is also my birthday month, so now is when I tend to think even more than normal about my life, my calling, and my purpose.  In my work, as I’m sure in yours, we help people awaken to the star shine that they are.  And I don’t take this lightly—no pun intended. 

   When I was a kid one of my dream careers was to be an astronomer.  I loved the night sky, the planets, the majesty and wonder of the universe.  I still do.  I also wanted to be an actress.  You might think they’re very different fields, but not really—both fields deal with stars and creativity!  And in ultimately becoming a therapist, coach, spiritual director, and writer, I get to focus on the star in people like you.  And this isn’t just hype, it’s our actual reality.  

   Astrophysicist Neal de Grasse Tyson, the director of the Hayden Planetarium, was quoted in an article by Chris Wright in the March 2015 Hemispheres Magazine, as saying, “There are certain ideas about the universe that affect people in profound ways—for example, the discovery that the atoms of your body are traceable to the actions of stars that exploded those atoms into the galaxy, out of which our solar system was formed. This fact tells us that not only do we live in the universe, the universe lives within us.” You may already well know this, but a reminder is always good.  In the course of our daily lives and hassles, we can easily forget. 

   One of my favorite plays during my college days, The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds by Paul Zindel, opens with the main character, teen-aged Tillie saying, “He told me to look at my hand for a part of it came from a star that exploded too long ago to imagine.  This part of me was formed from a tongue of fire that screamed through the heavens until there was our sun.  And this part of me—this tiny part of me—was on the sun when it itself exploded and whirled in a great storm until the planets came to be.” 

   So whether it’s astronomy or theatre, or counseling and writing, the message is ultimately the same: the wonder of the universe is awesome, the dance of the universe within our bodies is amazing, and the gifts we each bring to life, whether it’s a gift of artistic expression, a gift of listening, a gift of awakening others, a gift of loving another, is precious.  

   My birthday wish for you is that the seeds you plant this season will blossom to their fullest and most nourishing fruition for you and those your life touches.

   As spring emerges, what seeds of new life do you want to plant and grow and contribute to our ever-evolving universe?  Please share them in the comments section below.

   Do you ever have those times in life when what you most desire to do is absolutely nothing?  I do.  In our whirlwind lives and culture it’s a challenge to stop or even to pause.  It seems to be against the unspoken rules or laws of our modern day lives.  But as I teach my counseling and coaching clients, we need to nourish and nurture ourselves if we’re going to keep on keeping on. 

   Would you think of driving your car until it completely ran out of gas?  I doubt it.  If you’ve ever been in your car and have actually run out of gas you know it’s not a wise thing to do.  So, just as you wouldn’t plan to go on a trip without first filling up the gas tank, why would you plan on living a daily life without doing the same for your personal gas tank?  And by that I mean your body, your emotions, your mind, and yes, even and especially, your soul.  If we want to accomplish the many goals and dreams we have, if we want to get our basic tasks done, if we want to be there for clients, family, and friends, we better take care of ourselves first.  Running out of gas is not only scary, it wreaks havoc on our health and ill-effects everyone around us – on the road or off.

   So what does “doing nothing” look like to you?  My idea of doing nothing is resting, meditating, walking in nature where I can soak up the sun’s warmth or feel the rain on my face, or fill up my heart with the ebb and flow of the ocean.  It’s reading great books that carry me off to other worlds and move me or nourish my mind with new perspectives and insights.  It’s being with people I love and swapping stories, laughing, or sitting quietly, shoulders touching. 

   What nourishes you?  What fills up your “gas tank?”  Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself and those you love to do it.  Whether you’re a mother, a therapist, an artist, a writer, a student, a human being, you need to take time for you so you can be there for those you care about and those you serve. 

   As a writer and a therapist, I need to do nothing to allow my creative juices to replenish, percolate, and reproduce.  A long time ago I had a dream that my printer was so overtaxed it bellowed smoke.  I interpreted it to mean I was working too hard and too much.  The printer – the writer and creative spirit in me – was overdoing it and I was burning out.  I offer that as a cautionary tale.  So in closing today, I offer you a challenge: take time to do nothing.

   What is your idea of “doing nothing?”  What nourishes your creative spirit?  Please share your comments below.

   I don’t know about you but this week I’ve had a challenging time focusing on my priorities.  Of course I could just blame it on Mercury retrograde, but I won’t, so here’s how it’s been.  I start my day with my plan of action in place but I’ll make the crucial error of checking my e-mail first thing and then whoops, it’s down the Internet rabbit hole I’ve gone.  You know the scenario.  There’s a highlighted link you’re enticed to click on.  It seems worth checking out, so you follow that trail which inevitably leads to another offer and another.  It’s a virtual pin ball game with your attention darting from one piece of information to a video tutorial to an educational podcast to a relevant report to . . . 
   You get the picture.  And before long, the day has dwindled away and neither you nor I have accomplished the very tasks we actually planned to attend to.  It’s essentially crazy making.  It truly is Internet induced attention deficit disorder.  Granted, our attention is constantly being lured, seduced, pulled, and yanked whether we’re on line or off.  But the temptation is multiplied exponentially when we’re on line.  Keeping your eye on the prize – on your priorities – is tested virtually second by second. 

   So here are some thoughts on how to stay focused in an attention grabbing universe – on line or off.  First, set your priorities.  Knowing what you want to focus on is critical.  Then, do that task or project first.  Begin your major task of the day before you consciously or unconsciously invite distractions your way.  This optimizes the likelihood that you’ll accomplish your most important task and tend to it with concentrated effort.  
   Second, set a specific time of day when you’ll do things like check e-mail, listen to phone messages, and read your snail mail.  Third, set a time limit for how long you’ll read e-mails and how long you’ll allow yourself to wander the net.  Set your alarm or schedule alerts so you know when to stop.  And fourth – stop when the alarm or alert sounds.  No cheating.  
   Time is one of the basic foundations of our lives.  Existentially speaking, we never know how much of it we’ve got left, so focus on what matters most – your priorities.  
   Please share your thoughts and comments below.  What helps you stay focused in a distracting world?

   Last time we began our conversation about New Year’s re-solutions and goals.  To continue our discussion let’s talk today about obstacles.  There’s no doubt that no matter how clear you are about your goals, obstacles will inevitably come your way.  Some people even give up before they’ve begun, simply because they’re afraid the obstacles will be so overwhelming that achieving their goals will be impossible.  So let’s face this fear.  

   The first rule of thumb is to accept that obstacles will arise.  Acceptance is a big word, and ironically, one that we often struggle with.  But since the reality is that obstacles exist, we don’t need to struggle.  We just need to embrace the reality that yes, they will come our way.  

   The second rule of thumb is to ask yourself, what will you do when the obstacles appear?  Because there are many obstacles you can prepare for in advance.  Think this through carefully.  What do you anticipate will get in the way of achieving your goals?  Write these obstacles down.  If we use “loving my body” or “eating healthfully” as an example of a goal for the New Year (re-worded into a positive statement from the much more commonly used words of “losing weight”) what are some obstacles you can anticipate running into?  Two possibilities are: eating out with friends who order ice cream sundaes for dessert.  Or seeing your kids munch potato chips and chocolates right in your face. 

   So let’s put our heads together and brainstorm how to respond to these predictable situations.  If you know your friends are not weight or health conscious, do you really want to share meals with them?  Be honest with yourself.  Committing to your goals can mean making major changes in your life including being around people who will truly support your healthy choices.  If you want to continue eating out with your ice cream eating friends, can you commit to ordering a fruit cup for dessert?  Will you feel satisfied?  Or will you recapitulate by eating some high caloric sinful food when you get home?  So think it through and decide if eating with those people is really supporting you in attaining and sticking with your goal. 

   If you’re part of a family, your healthy eating plan is only going to work successfully if the whole family eats healthy foods.  It’s really a strain on your will power to have enticing treats around the house for everyone else but you.  Sure, you can invest in those food safes we’ve all seen marketed on Shark Tank, but wouldn’t it be easier and cheaper to not bring the crappy, seductive foods into the house in the first place?  So the point is, plan for what can go “wrong,” or lead you astray, and be pro-active in preventing the situation from happening in the first place.  Then know what your plan of action will be if your predicted scenario does happen.  Just like you have an emergency exit strategy in the event of a fire, you want to have an equivalent strategy in place to cope with foreseeable difficulties that will sabotage your goals.

   Now of course you can’t foresee everything, so when surprise obstacles come to pass, what are your strategies then?  Here are a couple of clues.  What gives you strength?  What gives you genuine, lasting comfort?  Is it reaching out to friends?  Is it contacting a buddy who can help you keep to your commitment and hold you accountable?  Is it seeking the guidance of a trusted professional coach?  Is it nurturing yourself by taking a walk in the sunshine, savoring a hot cup of tea, or curling up with a great book?  Is it re-reading your goal (that you wrote down and carry around in your purse or wallet and also posted on the bathroom mirror), and reminding yourself of your commitment to yourself?  Is it re-connecting with your core heart’s desire – the one that’s motivating your new behavior and actions?  Is it expressing your feelings of frustration through journal writing or creative expression?  Is it remembering how far you’ve come and how well you’ve dealt with previous obstacles?  And celebrating those mini-successes? 

   Whatever strategy works for you, use it over and over.  That way you’ll create new grooves in your neuronal pathways that will become stronger each time you move through a new obstacle.  And it will get easier to stay on your true path with each new obstacle.  You might even begin to appreciate the obstacles because you’ll have become so adept that you realize each obstacle is making you stronger and more resilient and getting you that much closer to your desired goal.

   Please share your comments below.  I’d love to hear what obstacles you can foresee and your plan for handling them.  And please share your strategies for handling unexpected obstacles.

   Until next time, to your success!

   Welcome to 2015!  The New Year is a poignant time of new beginnings.  It’s that time when many of us make resolutions to improve our lives.  Now I have to admit that I’m not fond of the term “resolutions.”  Why?  Because the word sounds so heavy handed and legalistic.  I suggest using the much simpler and achievable word “goals.”  But if you prefer using the term resolutions, that’s just fine.  What I ask of you then is to please look at the word and see that what it really says is re-solutions.  In other words, resolutions are our opportunity to find new solutions to those desires and wishes we hold dear. 

   Now that’s a crucial key.  Are the goals you’re setting for the New Year, or any time of year, dear to your heart?  Are they goals you sincerely want for yourself?  Or are they goals your family or spouse wants you to have?  Or goals that society has imposed upon you?  The only goals that truly have a chance for success are those that are personally meaningful to you.

   The first rule of thumb with resolutions or goals is to get quiet internally and tune into your heart.  What is your heart’s desire?  What’s your mission?  What do you really want to accomplish in your life over the course of this year?  Once you’ve established your goal, write it down.  Let’s say your goal is to lose 30 pounds this year.  Great!  Then ask yourself, why do you want to lose the weight?  What’s underneath that desire?  Is it that you want to look fantastic?  Is it that you want to attract a mate?  Is it that you want to feel energetic?  Or that you need to control your diabetes?  Understanding what’s really at the core of your goal is the key to achieving it.  So reframe your resolution or goal by stating the real purpose you have in mind and write that down. 

   Next, be sure you’ve phrased your resolution or goal so that it’s a positive statement.  Losing weight is really a negative statement.  Here’s why: while the intention behind the statement to lose weight is meant to be positive, the reality is we don’t like losing things.  That makes us feel like, well, losers.  But what we really like is to gain things.  We like finding things.  We’re built to take action towards things, rather than to battle against something.  So that’s why it’s so important to understand what’s at the core of your goal, what’s the real desire, and stating it in a positive way.  Because then you’re motivated and inspired to take action.  And taking action is the only way you will achieve your goals and resolutions.  And you need to connect to that motivation and inspiration because along the way to achieving your goal you can be assured that things will get tough and there will be obstacles to overcome.  It’s the connection to your source of inspiration – your true desire – that will keep you going when things get tough. 

   We’ll continue our conversation about goals and achieving success next time, so stayed tuned.  And in the meantime, please enjoy this podcast about New Year’s resolutions from Super Talk Radio Mississippi when I was interviewed by Kipp Gregory of the JT Show. 

   Wishing you a Happy New Year!  Please share your thoughts and comments about New Year’s “resolutions” and your special goals for 2015.

   How can we deal most effectively with criticism?  This seems a worthwhile subject.  Because whether we request it or not inevitably criticism will come our way.  And it seems to come regardless of how hard we work or how high quality our work may be.

   Recently I received anonymous criticism and it certainly had its impact on me.  I offer my coping process as a potentially useful example to you for those hopefully rare moments when undesirable feedback visits you. 

 “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt

   Then I cleaned my house.  Cleaning under these circumstances always helps me feel better.  It’s physical, mood shifting, metaphoric and pragmatic, helping me to get rid of what’s no longer needed and creating a neat and orderly environment for me to spring into forward motion.  Then, miraculously I received an email with unexpected positive feedback.  After thanking that individual for her kind words, I wrote thank you notes to people who have been helpful to me throughout the year, re-focusing my attention on gratitude.  And then I got busy with my continual and on-going daily work tasks.  Because whether or not the feedback I receive is critical or positive, life goes on.  And in the greater scheme of things, nothing in my life had significantly changed.  No one died.  I didn’t contract a fatal illness.  I will continue to do the work that I know is my soul’s calling.  I’ll use the criticism as fuel to enhance possible weaknesses.  I’ll forge ahead with my daily work and spiritual practices.  And I’ll continue using my words to heal and help.

   How have you coped with criticism?  Please share your comments and feedback below.

   The winter solstice is almost upon us.  It’s a pivotal moment in time, when the distance between the forces of light and dark becomes the most extreme, and then like a sigh, shrinks incrementally.  The beauty of this least light-filled day is multi-layered.  For me, the first beautiful message it brings is that within the very darkest of times lives the promise of the upswing of light.  This speaks to me of hope and its eternal presence hidden deep within our difficulties. 

   The second beautiful message the winter solstice brings, is that our human nature is wired to create light in the very midst of darkness.  The winter holidays of solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, all share in common the theme of light and the cross cultural knowing that regardless of our faith tradition we are all light seeking, light creating creatures.  

   The third beautiful message of the winter solstice is the reminder that our primal nature is to gather together during dark times to nurture, protect, and support one another.  Our social traditions of winter holiday gatherings are at their core the expression of this deep human need to huddle together for connection and comfort. 

   And lastly, the winter solstice speaks to me of our resilience: that no matter how dark life can sometimes feel, we have the innate capacity to transform our circumstances into light, be it the light of wisdom learned from difficult experiences or the lightness of laughter to lift the heaviness of the situation.

   How do you transform dark times into light?  What are your methodologies?  Please share your comments and thoughts below.